i didn't write this today, but i wrote it two or three years ago on this day. tough getting out of bed today. my back hurts.


Birthdayboy

Birthdayboy beams on his day
Last year he faked it, this year he's not sure yet
Birthdayboy's day isn't really his
isn't really anyone's
but it's his party and he'll fly if he wants to...
if it's possible
if he's allowed
But all he wants for xxxmas
is his two front teeth
polished free of nicotine
How much is that floozie in the window ?
Arf arf

And his road like the tongue
of a hungry quantum lizard
forks and flicks at luminous velocity
Morality or his high ness
on Midas brick one-way
slays scruples to applause
of ooze and Oz
Reality chastised, as jesters and hyenas
shoot kings and lesser jackals in the head
with pistols commandeered from
dead police hanging side by side
with honest lawyers and straight-arrow politics
from Emeraldcity Gallows
lining the road to oblivion
They won't need guns there....

Tripwire explosion shreds coffeetable still-life
Reality bomb cleans up the rest
and dust settles, the earth spins unfettered
Ground Zero just a suggestion
of immaterial lint on the
planet's polyester pantsuit
there one minute,
blown away, unaffecting, the next
Social catastrophe
despotic DMZ of cigarette butts
and empty plastic baggies
to-go cups and foil wrappers, beercaps
Social fallout, dead skin cells, crumbs
and crumpled convenience store receipts
Infectious human waste of all varieties and flavours

Birthdayboy needs none of it and all of it
Needs no one else until the
far-reaching limits of masterbation have been reached
and he knows of no such accomplishment
Birthdayboy can survey the warzone
of his somatic urges
He can lie and testify to his birthday
as will everyone else
but he knows his birthday is just a
variable integer
made up by clever primates simply
using what amounts to
inarticulate clumsy grunts HOO!
Selfrighteous apes validating
their own mad diluted schemes
using nonapplicable units, insignificant figures
Birthday hayday christmas payday
monday fun day sad day bad day
yesterday one day easter sunday
All that inappropriate jargon
of the attempted taxonomy of the incomprehendable
A truth that sticks its foot out
to trip us flat on our faces
throwing back biased language too big
for its britches
Birthdayboy and all his bipedal cohorts
participating in the ritual warship of their
ill understanding of time-so-called
invoked for the memory of posterity's
tainted verisimilitude
Skewed ideas harbored in mental lockdown, limbo

And ex-cons bumfucking their
post-prison girlfriends in turn
The girls just don't underdstand, won't consider
their man took one
just as she is now
Noble and redundant
The World turns

Red Sheet Sonnet

The crash of the noise that overtook the eye
Cascade and come clogging with careless stone.
A vast tundra. (assuming all is shown)
And breathless beast can never walk this sky;
The air too thick with the blindness to cry.
This span of time needs a bridge to the tone
For the wounded weep, and all are alone;
The faithful (now foreign) forgetting to die.
And yet, with a ringing, the paths emerge.
A sigh and a shiver, fetal I hear
The re-energizing of blood to surge.
Breathing returns to the bliss of my ear.
Heavy (the hands longing) may on the verge
Bring me back to the red sheets I hold dear.

All Psychological

forced into two. corrupting psychological
force me into corrupting. psychological
forces too corrupting. psychological
polorized. comprehending psychological

Forgive me I'm sorry (this act)
I'm afraid you're afraid of me
- can't I can I pretend I can't let you escape it
All these habits of mine - you're a catalyst
It was I brought the knife don't you see
You embrace it so courageously
Bared all your skin to me trusting me totally (daringly)
- so what I'm forgiven I'll always be guilty
I can look oh but barely (and you)
flit about so tantalizing
flit about so tantalizing

forced into two corrupting forces me into corrupting
these forces too corrupting - polorized comprehending

Cut to the quick all too quickly (this trap sprung)
On purpose I'd chew my own leg off
- heavy deflated molecular red and nicotine
Tied to a stake - could you not have ignored it
No I can't impose on the sea
Press the Sun to my face immolate me
If you want to escape me you must learn to hate me
- you may have been baited and yet you came freely
I can see through just barely (I see me)
spreading through you galvanizing
spreading through you galvanizing

forced into two corrupting forces me into corrupting
these forces too corrupting - polorized comprehending

Psychological - what's left is all psychological
It all gets psychological
Psychological - all psychological

If we'd just kept our eyes closed (we wouldn't be)
Castaways lost in this desert forsaken
- just couldn't stop with the ruin halfway petrified
Decaying orbital trainwreck - you're not quite blameless
Doomed from the start fatally
All you could give eaten greedily
Sinful invoking your memory blessed to relive all the agony
- so smug always knew you weren't meant for me
I cut myself loose just barely (what now)
charged sickle-cell redividing
charged sickle-cell redividing

Couldn't have been any other way
Couldn't have been more methodical
My blood turned to grey long ago anyway
Now that it's all psychological

Psychological - everything's all gone psychological
Gets fuzzy when it all goes psychological
Guess things got too psychological
All psychologicalPsychological - was i too psychological
All psychological

you know what ultimately pisses me off, dear reader? someone who is loved and regarded in the highest esteem for something i find worthless or contrived. a petty thing, i know. but at the very quick of it all, i can be a very petty and selfish bastard. i'm as judgemental as all hell sometimes and carry my own ideas of elite like talismans or tender. don't we all? well, most of us.
i am jealous. i seethe and fuel it and sometimes it's hard to help myself. i raised myself and steeled my youth with fashioned hatred. it's rooted deep, and no matter how precisely i excise the heart of it all, its weeds eventually spew up and outward, unhindered by manners or even desecration.
i wonder if there's a limit for how many times you can get away with being The Dispicable by scolding yourself later. there must be. it's like anything. you dip into your vices only so long before the little picture-frame lies begin to lose a bit of substance and The Big Reversal kicks in. The Big Reversal...you so gotta watch out for that fucking bitch.

have i mentioned that i'm prone to bouts of extreme hypocracy? fuck around.




Hidden Agenda

Interventions
by those most compelled and
least responsible.
Most appropriate and
least deserving.
Most able. Least ready.
Only hope.
Last chance.
One against two makes three to dance.
Denial Insults Loss
I'm so fucking in love with you still.
I am the road for you to walk upon.
Say something
back me up.
Help....just
Please....once
Listen....only
face me.
Stop him.
Safely
shun them.

Spit it out. Breathe in.
Kiss me
Kiss me
Kiss me
and not him.

as i was saying, words are over-emphasized. really, they are a technology ill-suited to conveying the real meat of intimacy.
yet, they're all we have. abounding languages that do little but convey the same things in different sounds and cadences. each language given it's share of untranslatable terms and abstractions, but fundamentally the same machine.
words cannot convey the things the deep-trollers dredge up or seek out from the lightless depths. adjectives are finite. nouns are countable even as we create them. verbs are limited to organismic ability.
there are words that describe or label things that are infinite. the word stops short of the idea. what then? dear reader, what then, when you want to go further, dig deeper, fly it higher or make it harder?
we either don't, or try our goddamned best. we play scrabble and put it together as best we can. all the fragments. for while a thing may have a limit, hybridization, mutation, imagination may dictate otherwise.
ambiguous? well, i never said i wasn't.
you'd better learn to change your mind, and then change it back again. let your opinions and beliefs sway in a wind of your own creation. build a lullabye and then the dirge for its funeral. orchestrate the overture your pheonix.
its your reality. use it.



Scrabble For Your Strength

Foreverized
is not a word
I found in school books.
Created on the day I heard
it screaming in your looks.

I realized
that words exist
as long as I can speak them.
Structure hiding words we missed,
designs that only weaken.

Victimized
is just a word
but carries such a weight.
I bared it 'til my vision blurred
with baggage and the hate.

I scrutinized
our every word
including those unspoken
but all possibilities occured
as different states of broken.

Aclimatized
we use a word
in ways that contradict it.
Truth is just a thing incurred
however it's been scripted.

Compromise
and form the words
to mean what I believe.
Alleviated of the herds
and given room to breathe.

Improvise
and choose a word
and that is what I'll be.
Your tragedies that I endured
both kill and set me free.

Adaptalized
the words exist
to patch the weary minding
revealed with the proper twist
at the worst of my unwinding.

Fingers Worn-Down Mess, Thumbs Up to Infection or, Fiddlesticks 2000

Silence - Void then on my back awake
Sky bleeds lava detonation
Flashburn doomsday polaroid
Death mouldering over
Smoldering destruction lullaby
Malfunction soil sample
and we all fall down
Lucky dead vessels joke everyone on me
Nestled, exodus matter anachronism
Nomad's land wasted rubbish
The world's your eye sore

Astronomical unlucky survivor soul
Inheritance with mechanized abberations
Phosphorescence electric yellow I glow at least
Stainless steel rats come on down
Waves skuttle wind-up-crank-crawl action try it
Alone with bodies rats whirring whrr vszzz
Well that's just nuclear clik clik perfect
Little metal ratbot feet clik clik clik clik clikking
always away over silence crumbled
No supplies so totally gone shortage
Fight vermine for scraps of oilsmears
campfire fuel toiled so valuable parking lot

Irradiated foodnugget roaches sometimes I fish for
Dangle poaching a fingernail string lure over the hole
Last nail. Make it count when shell cracking
Roach like oyster shuk fingers stumpy no more nails bait
too bloody chum bug chum come here they come
attracted swarm too much blood hive disturbed
Run away infestation backfired damn
Find a skull to gnaw on quick
it got teeth rotted picking out from inbetween them
saved-for-a-black-day-rainy lettuce-like fibre-something
This one chew not good, I do better

Friends now scurvy companionship
crowd of three with botulism not four
Not enough flesh of you for eating disease
too

repeating quiet soft getting
smell i glow

Bold sneak dark safe hole out of
Get chips tile broken put in Old Dutch bag plastic
found did for I authentic chewing old days
back good thinking
Ouch, steel bit leg rat
and fed family its, not leg
family couldn't mine infected
red crawling up lines means it
Inside crawling hunger bite so
I leg will movies bit like saw rattlesnake
sucked i saw venom back out
enough not quick hot
Am hot am I am

Eat more medicine find can't
you that dear?

work you late dear dinner for what's?

mom

hot sweating me where clickclickclickclicky
clickyclickyclickyclick
clickclickckiclickkciil

eat more get food can't get eat
knee mine rubbery though smells
rubs it through bad tooth agaiin try chew leg own
to try through to can't gone tooth
last lost ago long also fingers no nails
remember bugs bleeding i over nest
fishing no food dear bites
human thumbs makes opposable trait
seperate dirt bleed suck
with face first dry too tongue
eampth ick hiddy wmpohoorlph imdo gy mffb LLL r
uuhuuuuu sthslpmtshhmum Llr..
mm r a a: L.



The Lunch

cattle cars
whirr and clank me
sickling smelling putrefacto
nostril inhalation of attackness frightening
train so fast moving
for but a glimpse
and dozens and dozens and dozens of hands reaching
arms scrabbling with no hope for even a scream
for there's no hope or help
just a wondering
do we care
do we really ought to know
ASSIMILATED ROBOTICATED
PLANT-FACTORY OVERWRITTEN
PACKAGED PARTS AND SEPARATED
SMOKESTACK BUTCHERED BODY BITTEN
and ground up
chewed up
spit out the bones
dinner's ready.

i wouldn't want you to get the wrong idea, dear reader. you may be asking yourself if this cat isn't just a lovesick fool. perhaps i am. i am in love with women. constantly. usually with more than one it seems. i will see a face in a magazine and i'll fall in love, even for just a minute, an hour. years. i'm in love with being in love. am i more than that? do i add up to more than desire, love, deep trolling of the melancholly emotions? well, reader, i'll leave that up to you.

i had a dream last night that threw me out of sync for the rest of the day.
i was in a room full of people, as if it was the last remnants of a much larger gathering, left in this more relaxed and intimate afterglow. everyone slouching and cuddling in chairs, on the floor. the room covered in pillows and various blankets.
i kept looking to these two girls, one of whom i was immensely attracted to. they kept talking softly to each other, occasionally looking in my direction. and i wished with everything i had that they were talking about me. and the more i wished, the more they would look over to me.
she had on a tight black shirt, jeans. her hair was a kind of unnatural orange or red. she may or may not have had a piercing in her lip or eyebrow or nose. actually, no, definately not the lip.
she came over to me and i became overwhelmed; i was crushing.
i was under a blanket and she slid in with me and i felt the largest relief i've ever felt when the weight of her body settled on mine. i just layed there and felt that weight and i was satisfied beyond comment.

consider these words when dealing with a lover or just someone close:
weight, mass, gravity, pressure, density, depth.
the way your cat lays against your leg as you're about to fall asleep. the way a lover weighs on your thoughts, how they feel with their arms squeezing you or draped across you during rest. the way a leg forms around your waist, a shape all its own in certain circumstance.

after the initial bliss of this girl, the dream crept forward at a dizzying speed. the sky was falling. literally. we were running through ruins that looked like the buildings of Mogadishu in the film Black Hawk Down. in many of my dreams, time and reality start to distort into a non-linear episode. i became aware that i had met this girl at another time, much earlier than the afterparty. she graded some writing that i did, and i frantically began flipping through a notebook trying to find her there. she and the falling sky, and the ruins were beginning to fade out, becoming more transparent in a super-speeding slow-motion that can only happen in a dream or a large dose of a hallucinogenic substance, flickering and threatening to depart from existence. i believe the sheer desire for her, or fear of losing her asserted itself, as i again was back under the blanket with her and we began to kiss. gloriously. and then she was gone, and the notebook began to fade and i managed to find her there before that too was lost. her name was Julie.

i don't know a Julie. i hope you're out there waiting for me to find you, and i beg for you not to be some ghost, haunting me night after night.
an odd thing i have to mention, dear reader, is the fact that in all my nightmares and dreams that carry on their feeling into my waking hours have the following feature in common: war on film. some strangely, direly placed pop-culture war movie or battle sequence reference. here is another example. this was a dream i had around three years ago. i wrote it down in the format i tell it to you in. it is completely true, in as much as dreams are. stylized yes, but not embellished at all. the Colonel Kurtz refered to at the end is of course from Apocolypse Now. and yes, absolutely, i heard his voice at the end of it.

I dreamed about you
last night.
We were in bed,
in your bed holding
each other tight
like a vice.
Butterflies threatening to burst from my belly,
from the very bed beneath us.
Looking into each other's eyes
and I was lost in those
deep dark irises
hypnotized by those pools.
Your gaze punishing me
with delerious luminosity.
I was a drowning sailor
swept overboard to become
lost at sea. Drowning.
A man who's accepted his watery fate,
reconciles his life
and slips happily into the depths.
Fear and hypothermia conquored
by a final endorphin release,
supersaturation of pain inhibitors rushing,
carrying death on pillows,
dispelling hardness
in the final moments.Synchronous flooding bliss
and your face
beaming supernova appeasement.
The moment suspended like a liquid picture.
Glacial velocity like glass and gravity
oozing through motion imperceptably.
You said, looking at me,
stripping ambiguities away,
you said yes, finally yes
you knew what love, true love was.
I know what it is too,
and i proclaim this mutual spiritual mergence.
Yes, i nearly cry,
it's a hot pleasant bubbling
inside of you, burning joyfully
and vigorously and holding you fast
in its mandibles
plying you with intoxicants.
You yearn with a
constant need of it.
Think of it obsessively.
Let it fill you with the profoundest of reckonings.
Borderline danger of letting
your shields plummet in a
nosedive of vulnerability.
Letting the sponge of your soul
risk its fragility
in an impetus of absorption.

Your expression falls
like a piledriver with my dreams attached.
A shattering collision, fatal fragmentation.
This visage now stormclouds
horizontally impending doom.
A crushing juggernaut you're driving
over my bones and you say
"I guess I don't know it, then. What love is."
Innocent confusion on your face
and that ignorance you have of my
losing war for your love
sweeping the remnants of hope
away to some abyss.
And that's when the
full scope of this demented tragedy
imparts itself upon me.
A wrecking ball devestating the flimsy
walls of my spirit.
I know how Orpheus must've felt
when he turned around to see
his precious Eurydice pulled back to Hades
at the last possible moment.
Lost again forever.

I crumble defeated and stricken.
I can only stare as
you can only stare back,

and I bolt up, alone, in my own bed.
Awake now and shivering terrified,
sweating hard like a captive.
Is it a premonition that plagues like termites?
Eating away, eating away?
Or is it just a hideous
affirmation of what i should already know and accept.
Stunned, unable to move,
trying to choke down that dream
back down to the unknown place
inside me I can't see.
Standing on the precipice of emotional apocalypse.
Kurtz's measured chilling voice
echoing endless in my ears.
"Oh the horror.....the horror."

i was a bit of a mess for a few days after this one, reader. and i wouldn't trade the experience. it's far too personal and satisfying on a level you just cannot buy. bittersweet.